on saltwater taffy & the question of yellow

Hello hello!

I recently had the realization that not everything has to be the best work I have ever created. Maybe it’s the academia, but I seem to operate under the assumption that every piece of written work that I produce is going to be scrutinized, reviewed, and assigned a grade. Contrary to my own belief system, I am allowed to produce work that is mediocre, mundane or not very meaningful. Sometimes I just want to share my random thoughts with the world, and this is my platform, so I can share those random thoughts with the world if that’s what I feel like doing.

So today, the random thought that I want to share with you all is actually one I have shared before. Specifically, it has to do with a quote from one of my favourite trauma theorists, Judith Herman. She says, “the liberation of recovery feels both ordinary and miraculous.”

Yesterday as I was in the grocery store, I turned to walk toward the beverage aisle when I stumbled upon one of Farm Boy’s lovely free sample stations. Just a casual pedestal holding a bowl filled with yellow salt water taffy. Actually, the sign said “assorted saltwater taffy” but there were only yellow ones left. The chopped liver of the saltwater taffy world, it seems. Honestly, at first I barely registered it and pretty much walked right by, on a mission to get to the cans of nitro cold brew in the fridge. Having acquired the goods, I proceeded to make my way back towards the cash — in somewhat of a haste — and almost walked right into the bowl of yellow candy. My first thought was, ‘phew, that was close!’ Not because toppling over a bowl of candy in the middle of a grocery store would cause a scene, but because I have rules about touching yellow. Bad. Unsafe. Unclean. I could try to explain to you where these beliefs came from or the logic behind why I think this way, but it wouldn’t matter because the reality is that there is no logic to it. It’s impossible to explain the weighty importance of a belief that is inherently fallacious, and yet feels as though your entire life depends on your adherence to it.

As I moved toward the line for the cash, I continued thinking. I have been having more of these moments recently, where I can actually stop and question the logic behind some of the ideologies I have come to live by. After a particularly rough patch earlier this year, I have been trying to get back on track with the exposure therapy and, having just had therapy yesterday, my homework was fresh in my mind. One thing I have been trying to implement daily is, as silly as it sounds, eating yellow foods. Well, it actually started by touching something yellow every day. Then, touching something yellow and not washing my hands. Now, here we are, at probably the highest level of Scary Things™️. Bad. Unsafe. Unclean.

After making it to the cash register, I was standing in line and still thinking about the yellow saltwater taffy. When was the last time I participated in free samples at the grocery store? What would happen if I did? Why am I so scared??? Something I have been trying to ask myself in these moments is: what would I do if the ocd wasn’t a factor. The answer is so obvious: I would take a saltwater taffy. So that’s what I did.

While the candy itself was okay, the best part was feeling like a real person who goes to grocery stores and tries the free samples because they’re there and they’re free and they’re almost always delicious. The act itself—walking over to the bowl of candy, taking one, and eating it…it’s all so ordinary. At the same time, walking over to the bowl of candy, taking one, and eating it…it feels miraculous. Once again I am reminded of the ways in which we can hold two truths at once. Ordinary and miraculous; emotion and reason; scared and brave.

It’s these small moments that I look forward to now, that I crave, and that keep me wanting to put one foot in front of the other. Small things start to feel easier again. I eat the yellow candy, and the world moves on. I am reminded that I am a real girl too.

— LAH